To not Despair
by RenaLyrica
Summary: "Well, you are a skilled soldier I have to admit. Let's just say that, you are an abnormal one and I would like the details about that." It is seems that he have notice about how I work things. I just happens to do things differently. "I.. umm. I guess I should start it off from the very beginning." I say as I sit on one of the chairs I have pulled earlier. I'm tired of standing.
1. Chapter I

Important notes:

1. When there's a name on the top, it means it's a first person.  
>2. If it writes "*THIRD*" it means it's a third person.<br>3. I hope you understand. Any misunderstanding or to criticize, please comment at below. Your cooperation is appreciated as I want to improve my writing.

* * *

><p>*ECLAIR*<p>

_I almost died on that day._

I remember as I look back.

* * *

><p>"I can be the decoy." I said. The survey corps were planning on taking back Wall Maria.<br>"What are you crazy?!" Sasha scream. "You could die!"  
>"Éclair, there are so many strategies that can be use. About decoy, we can leave that.. Right captain?" Armin look at Captain Levi, hoping for some back up.<br>"Hey Éclair, have you lost your mind?" Jean look at me as he grip my shoulder.  
>The Captain looked at me. "So.. Éclair, explain your offer."<br>"Captain!" Sasha look at him, angry.  
>Jean looked at Captain as he squeeze my shoulder. "You got to be kidding right?"<br>I hesitate, but I have to do this. "Well, I can distract the titans while you guys do your thing. From your plans, it seems too difficult to work while the titan distracting. Do not worry, I can attract those shitty titans." I explain confidently hoping they would agree with this. I just want to fasten the process.  
>"Well, you are a skilled soldier I have to admit. Let's just say that, you are an abnormal one and I would like the details about that." It is seems that he have notice about how I work things. I just happens to do things differently.<br>"I.. umm. I guess I should start it off from the very beginning." I say as I sit on one of the chairs I have pulled earlier. I'm tired of standing.  
>"I don't remember much about my past. All I remember at that time was my name, Éclair Gloria. I.. wake up in the middle of the woods on one afternoon. I was so blur don't know what to do. On my hands were a couple of ropes with hooks and a sword. After a while doing nothing, a titan approaches. At first I ran, I was scared. But the titan was so fast so I threw the rope at one of the trees and the hook got stuck and I set myself flying in the air getting on the titan's top and cut off the head with countless slash. After that, I improve myself to survive in the world full of titans, until at one time. I was walking around on a horse that I found and I found on a giant wall. I thought it was weird and odd so I take a look and I found people. Finally, someone that actually talks and look human than a devouring one so there was this one time when you guys sent the Survey Corps a few years ago and when you goes back into the wall I sneak in on one of your carriages. I come from beyond the walls instead of within." I explain about my history.<br>"Is that so? That's a pretty interesting story you have there." Captain Levi said.  
>"So? How about the decoy plan?" I ask.<br>"I'm very pleased to go on with it." He said.

* * *

><p>"Éclair are you crazy?" Jean followed me as I walk out of the Survey Corps HQ.<br>"Do I look like it.?" I said it ironically.  
>"Éclair!" He grip my hand, pulls me to look at him and grab both of my shoulders.<br>"You're risking your life here! You could die! And I don't want that. You're.. You're my friend. My subordinate. We're a team!" He grip my shoulder tighter.  
>"J-Jean.. You're.. It hurts.. " I said, avoiding his eye contact.<br>"Oh. Sorry." He release me.  
>"Don't worry about that. But I can promise you that I won't die. I have my brain and skills. Okay? Don't worry." I look at him and smile. "Whatever it is, don't let despair take over you. See you in battlefield. Got some equipments to collect." I leave him.<br>"Éclair.." was the words I heard him said as I walk away from the HQ. Titans.. Man, can't wait for the bloodshed war.

* * *

><p>I ran and ran, flew and flew, roofs after another, to the middle of the town in Wall Maria. Some of the titan took notice of me, but I succeed in avoiding them without killing. I'm going to wait until the party started. I landed on a tall clock tower and have a break for a minute.<br>I wait for a few minutes until I heard a gun fired. I look back and focus to look for the sound. And it was Captain Levi firing it to the air from the top of the wall. He look like an ant from here. I chuckled.  
>"Party have just started. Hell yeah." I fired out fireworks, throw a lot of firecrackers around and fire a gun to the air and on that instant, the titans look at me. "Hey shitheads! Want some sexy meat?" I make a sexy pose. "Here I am! Try and get some of it." I said as I make an devil smile.<br>"Yeeeaaahhhhhh!" I yell as I flew around the buildings trying to run away from the titans and at the same time, attracting it. "I hope they're doing fine." I thought.  
>The titans that are chasing me increases. This will give them the chance to do their work. I flew and flew and suddenly a titan popped out in front of me. I was surprised for a half of seconds and cut the head of that titan. "Bad titan!" I yell as I flew away.<p> 


	2. Chapter II

*THIRD*

"Jean! Take on Éclair! She'll need more hands than us." Levi yell at Jean as the whole corps were running on the top of the wall.

"W-what?" Jean surprised as he look down where Éclair was fighting. She looks like she's dancing with blades and firecrackers as the titans try to devour her. "She's.. she's amazing." Jean mumbled.

"Jean. Now." Levi shot Jean a death glare and it startled Jean.

"Yes sir!" Jean look down at the bottom of the wall looking for a perfect place for landing, that have no titans.

"Don't worry. We'll join you two later. Now go!" Levi command as Jean jump down. He shoot the hooks from his 3D maneuver gear and flew straight to where Éclair was flying around. It was odd. She..

..seems to be having fun. Then, she looks at Jean with a lot happier face. Actually, she's always seems happy. She never be seen to be sad or despair. But she always comfort others. She have always been so kind to others. To her, others is priority. So she'll try her best to help others including putting her own life on the line.

"Jean!" She yell happily as she wave and fly through towards Jean.

"Éclair!" Jean's eyes widen as a titan appear at Éclair's back and as the titan open its mouth to devour Éclair, she aim her hook to the building at her side and avoid the titan's devour. Then she flew around to get onto the titans back and cut the titan's head.

"Shitty titan." She curse. Then, she goes back on approaching Jean. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Levi sent me to help you." Jean said.

"Is that so? Well then your job is easy. Just follow me and watch my back. Our work is easy. Just fly around playing around with this titans. About the others, let me handle it. Okay? Don't be scared. I will help you." She said and smiles widely again as her long blonde, red highlighted hair was blown by the wind to the side.

"Right." Jean smile back at her.

"Come on!" She yell and fly around the titans.

Jean was scared for a second but Éclair's words convince him not to be afraid. "I'll be okay." He thought and follow Éclair's steps.

He manage to kill some titans which makes him proud a bit until Éclair said something. "Don't be cocky Jean." She yell.

"How does she even know?" Jean thought. But it didn't bother him.

* * *

><p>*JEAN*<p>

"Jean! Take care on the other side! There's too many titans here. Play around with those titans but kill if you need." She yells so loud I think even Levi can hear her from the top of the wall.

"Alright." I reply and head make a I land on one of the roof, I ran and ran on the roof and jump after another until..

"Fuuuuckkk!" I yell. My leg got into one of the holes on the roof and it got stuck. "Shit shit shit." I tried to pull it out but as I tried to pull blood start to pour from my leg and it hurts like hell.

But, fear starts appear as a titan approaches. The titan at first was walking casually and suddenly it stops. Looking at me. "Get the fuck out of here" was all I could thought. Then, the titan smiled creepily and start to walk towards me. "Shit shit shit!" I yell as I pulled harder my leg even though it hurts so much. "I don't care if I lose my leg but I don't want to die in a titan's hands."

As fear grows stronger, my hopes and dreams disappear. My head is blank. I couldn't think of anything. "I'll die. I'll die." I mumbled as I look at the titan's eyes that shows no mercy.

"I guess.. this is the end then." I said to the titan as it open its mouth slowly to devour me.

But, hope has once again appear.

"GET OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKER!" And a kick landed on my face that throws me away from the titan. It hurts a lot especially my leg but it doesn't matter anymore. As long as I'm away from the titan. She saved me. Eclair..

"Éclair!" I yell. She smiles. Her sweet smile.

But as she land on the roof, the shingle that she step on slid off making her to fall and roll right into the titan's mouth.

"Éclair!" I yell again as I try to get up to help her but I fell due to my injured leg. No. I can't let her die. I can't. She must not die.

As she enters the titan's mouth, she tries to crawl out. But she fails. The saliva on the titan's tongue was so slippery she can't get a grip.

But right at that moment. She look at me and I look at her. I want to help her but nothing works. She smiles. She smiles again. She's dying and she's still smiling?! No! She can't die! She can't die. Fuck this! "ECLAIR!" I yell again.

The titan's mouth shut. "Fuck you titan!" I stand up even though it hurts so much. I grab my sword and run towards the titan. "You're going to paaaaayyyy!" I aim the sword to the titan.

Until the titan exploded. I stopped. What just happen? I was too stunned to make a move.

"What happened here?" says a familiar voice. I looked at my back and it's Captain Levi and the others.

"Where's Éclair?" asked Eren as he looked around looking for her sight. Everyone seems to look for her. I'm too stunned to explain the situation.

"Oh my god Jean what's with your leg?!" yell Hange.

"Éclair.. she.." I can't. Stop. I can't say it.

"Oh.." Captain Levi said, understanding what I meant.

Suddenly, I felt an urge to look back at the titan that exploded before. As I look, I thought I was imagining but I wasn't. I thought I was hallucinating but I'm not. "ECLAIR!" I yell as much as I can a flew down to fetch her. I never felt happier to see her. I am glad she didn't die. Thank god. Éclair.


	3. Chapter III

*ECLAIR*

"Éclair..." said an unfamiliar voice. The voice seems to be relieve as it said my name. So I turn to look at my back to see who it is.

There's two unfamiliar people right in front of me. I don't know who are they so I just frown as I look at them. "Who are you?" I ask.

"It's me. Your mother." said that woman softly as she tries to approach me for a hug. But I pushed her away.

"What? Who the heck are you?!" I yell at them. I took out a knife from my white dress. Not at dress actually, more to a nightgown. A white nightgown.

"Honey, I'm not lying. See this guy?" She said as she put both of her hands on both of the guy's shoulder. "This is your father."

The guy smiled. I noticed, the guy's hair was light blonde like my hair and the woman's hair is red, like scarlet like the highlighted part at my hair and the guy's eyes.. An electric blue, just like mine.

"Éclair.. you've grown to a much stronger girl now. I'm proud of you."

"You got no rights to say that. Why would you think you're my parents?! Even if you do, you leave me all alone in the woods in the world of titans, you pathetic cunts. You don't have the rights to be my parents." I yell at them. Their face turned to a much sadder one.

"If they found you with us, they'll kill you." The blonde guy said.

"How about the titans? They don't even have brains to not eat me! You leave me all alone. All alone in there. I was scared. I'm always scared." Tears start to flow on my cheeks. I sob.

The scarlet haired woman tried to wrap her hands around me to comfort me but I pushed her hands away again as she touch me. "Darling, you're not alone. You still have your br-"

"Stop! You don't deserve to live in this world. You should die. Just die!" I aim my knife at both of them as fear start to show on their face.

Yes. You should die.

* * *

><p>*THIRD*<p>

A light ash-brown haired man sitting at a chair near the door. It was Jean, sighing as he look at Éclair laying down at the bed.

The door open, and another guy went in and it was Levi. He walked to Jean's side and lean on the wall as he look at Éclair. "So, how is she?" He asked.

"I don't know. She still haven't wake up." Jean said as he sigh again.

"Hange told me she was fine. She just need a long deep sleep to recover. Hange also told me that Éclair've been working hard that she rarely sleeps."

"Rarely... sleep?" Jean look at Levi, confused.

"I'm not sure what she have been working on. Even Hange was not sure." Levi explained.

"It's odd. She doesn't look sleepy though." Jean said.

"Maybe it's because she smiles to much?" Levi suggested.

"Does it even related?" Jean asked as he look at Levi hoping for answer but silent shut both of them down.

Jean continues to look at Éclair as he hope that she would wake up any moment. "Kill..." says the girl in her sleep. Éclair.

"Éclair?" Jean called her.

Even Levi's eyes widened to look at Éclair. "Kill..." she mumbled again, in a harder tone.

"Hey, I have a bad feeling about this." Levi admit.

"Die!" Éclair yell as her eyes widened as she got up instantly, reaches for her dagger at the side of her bed and throw it between Jean and Levi.

Jean just gulp, afraid that Éclair might get up and kill him while Levi just frowned at Éclair with his eyes widened looking at Éclair's odd behaviour. "Éclair.." Jean call out her name, softly.

Éclair's face softened as she heard Jean's voice calling out her name. "Jean.. and Levi.." she look at both of them. "I-I mean.. Captain Levi.." she stutter as she look around and ask "Infirmary?"

"Yes. You were injured... quite badly before." Levi explain.

"In- injured? Wait.. what happen about retaking Wall Maria?" Éclair look at Levi desperately for answer.

"It failed. Some.. bastard in the way. But you don't have to worry about that." Levi explain.

"Is.. is that so.. " she said as her face turned to a disappointed one. "I guess freedom has to wait then.." she thought.

"Well.. I am glad to see you have wake up." He approaches Éclair, "Get well soon. I'll need your ass on the field." He said as he patted Éclair's head and leave.

Right after Levi closes the door, Éclair sigh. "How.. how long have I pass out anyway?"

Jean was snapped out of his pondering, "Huh? What? Err.." He thought for a second. "A week or so.. I think. " He said it casually but it surprised Éclair.

"W-what? A-a.. a week?" she looking at Jean hoping for more explanation but just shrugged.

"I.. um.. sorry about-"

"No no.. It's not about that. I mean, am I really in bad shape?"

"Yeah. Sort of.. Hey, I'm sorr-"

"Éclair! Looks like you have woke up. Glad to see you." Hange said as she barge into the room without knocking holding some papers cheerfully.

"Hange.." Éclair said softly.

"Oh god, will somebody stop cutting me off?! Geez.." He looked pissed off but nobody seems to bother.

"Hange am I really in bad shape?" Éclair asked with a worry tone and a worry face.

"Oh Éclair, well.. Kind of. I don't think you can even go into the battlefield anymore." she said as approached Éclair and sit at the nearest chair.

"Hange.." she said.

Jean only look at the scene, feeling guilty. "This is the first time I see her so.. disappointed." Jean thought. She have always been so happy and cheerful even when facing a titan.

"When Levi asked me about it, it was the first check. After checking for a few times, it's about your backbone. Another direct hit, you'll be paralyses. I'll.. have to dismiss you, Éclair. Unless, you want to-"

"No." Éclair said.

"Well that was easier than I thought." Hange said as her face turn to her usual face.

"Has captain know about this?"

"Not yet. But I'm about-"

"Then let me see him. Or take him here. Either way. Now." Éclair said with a face full of plan.

"Éclair what are you planning to? You're not planning anything ridiculous are you?" She said as she started to sweat.

"Éclair.." Jean said as he smile at her.

"Jean." She smiled back. She chuckled.


	4. Chapter IV

"Hey come back you two!" Hange yell as she stand at the side of the door watching both of them running in the hallway. She sigh.

Jean was carrying Éclair in bridal style as he run while Éclair is laughing because of their escape. Jean couldn't stand hearing Éclair's laugh so he laugh along until they are far enough from Hange to track them. Jean found a large tree to rest "Hey let's rest for a while. I'm going to put you down. Tell me if it hurts or anything." He said as he lays Éclair down leaning on the tree, very gently.

"Ngghh.. No. It's okay. It doesn't hurt." she laughs again.

"Man you've been laughing all the way here and now you laughing again?" He chuckle.

She points at Jean ."Look! You're going to laugh aren't you? Aha!"

He burst out laughing. "Okay okay. Stop this." He sigh as he land next to Éclair and sigh again. "Man, I'm in trouble" he mumble.

"Don't worry about it. It won't okay? I'll talk to them." she says confidently.

"So what are you planning? he asked.

"I won't tell you." She said as she puts her finger over her mouth.

He sigh, a bit annoyed by her action. But he ignore it as he remember back about what he thought in the infirmary. "Éclair.. I want to say.. I'm sorry. Because of me-"

"Jean, it's okay. I'm not blaming you or anything so chill out." she says happily.

"But because of me, you can't fight anymore. Another hit and.. you'll be paralyze." He said as fear start to crawl over him.

"But if I didn't save you, you'll be dead. You won't be here. We won't be escaping from the infirmary like right now. The Survey Corps will be losing another soldier."

"But the Survey Corps ARE losing another soldier and it's you!" He said it with pain.

"Well at least it saves another life. One's life is very valuable. You should appreciate it." she said as she lay her face on Jean's shoulder.

"You know.. I'm curious. How did you survive in the titan before? The titan explode.. how did you did it?" he asked.

"Well, we must always have a back up plan for everything. I created a bomb gun. It's like a canon but it shapes like a gun that fires out small bombs. Kaboom! The titan dies. I survive. Yay!" she said.

"Wow. A bomb gun huh. That's pretty handy."

She sigh. "Now, you should bring me to Levi. I want to finish this immediately. And a bit gentle with my back please." she command.

"Okay." He reply as he slip his hand behind Éclair's back extra gently and under her knees and carry her in bridal style again. "Does it hurt?" he asked.

"Nope." she said as she lay her head on Jean's shoulder.

* * *

><p>"Captain Levi." Levi turned to his back and to his surprise, it's Éclair with her hand over Jean's shoulder and Jean's hand wrap around her waist, trying to support her to walk which somehow disturbs Levi but it didn't bother him much.<p>

"Oh? Éclair, Hange already report to me about you. You don't have to-"

"I am not. Who says that I want to beg you to not dismiss me? Duh. I'm not that desperate. I totally accept that I can't fight and whatsoever." she said.

"So what are you here for?" Levi frowned after listen to Éclair's explanation.

"I would like to make an offer." She smiled, an evil smile.

"Ohh? What would be that be miss Éclair?" He replied back with an evil smile.

She chuckle. "Yes. I can't fight. Another direct hit and boom, paralyze. But I'm not completely useless. Correction: Not yet completely useless. Hah sounds better."

"Your point is?"

"You must remember that I comes from the outside world. Not within these walls. My offer is, that at one time when the time is right you guys will probably need my help and abilities. You guys will know where to find me at that time. I'll probably change my name after this, for safety reason. At least that is what I can do to fasten the freedom for humanity even if it's a half of one percent. All I want is that you'll accept me by that time and but I won't do any fighting unless it's necessary because at that time, a death is a worth." she smile after explaining her offer which stunned both Jean and Levi for a second.

"Éclair.." was only thing Jean could say, still stunned.

"Your offer is pretty interesting. Yes, a death is a worth if a victory is grabbed. Very well then, I accept your offer." he said as he held out his hand.

"Do not forget okay?" she said as she shakes Levi's hand.

"I will not." Levi reply.

* * *

><p>"Éclair, are you really sure about this?" Jean asked as he put Éclair on the bed in the infirmary very, very gently.<p>

"Hmm? Yeah! Oh don't worry about it. You shouldn't worry." she stare at the empty walls for a minute. "Just.. one thing." she said as she look into Jean's intense light brown eyes. "The next time I see you guys, you still there. Healthy and happy. You'll survive.. without me barging in to save you, okay? It's a promise."

"Happy?" He laughs as he sit at the chair next to the bed. "Probably in pain. But, I'll try to work on that out." he said.

"Okay! It's a promise than!" she smiles, sweeter than ever. Jean blushed over it.

"A-any.. anyway, do you have any plans for today? Hange's not releasing you today?" He asked.

"If I can walk properly I would have been release a minute ago."

"Oh.. Oh! I got an idea!" Jean said as he stands and hurry to the door.

"Jean! Where are you going?"

"Just don't go anywhere.. will you?" he said as he leave Éclair alone in the room. Éclair was only able to stare at the door, hoping for him to come back. But he didn't.

"Jean.. I'm sorry. I.. can't" she said as tears starts to flow on her cheeks.

* * *

><p>Later that night..<p>

"Éclair! Let's go for-" Jean barge into the room with a basket full of delicious food but he dropped it as he look at the room empty.

"moonlight picnic..." Jean look for Éclair hoping she show up but she didn't. But, one thing did catch his eye. The windows. They were wide open with winds blowing in the curtains.

"Oh Éclair.."

**THE END**


End file.
